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“Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days – when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when your out of options, when the pain is great – and you turn to God alone.” ~ Rick Warren

In Hindu mythology there is a goddess, Akhilandeshvari – which translates to “Never not broken” – that shows me a function of God that I love and definitely need right now.  Even though I consider myself a Christian, I think there is a huge amount we can learn from other religions.  Religions that have more than one God, to me, show me different facets of God.  Our God is all of these things wrapped in one!  So when I found this goddess, I knew that my God could do the same for me.

Here’s a little more about Goddess Never Not Broken, taken from http://www.wicca-spirituality.com/akhilandeshvari.html and other websites listed there:

“You know that feeling when things are so far out of control that you give up fighting it?  At that moment, all that is in your power is to open your heart to God in desperation and pray, “Please, see me through this!”  Everything is broken, and we’re standing here with all these pieces in our hands, wondering how we’ll ever make something whole and beautiful out of this mess. Wondering, even, if we can survive it — or if we want to survive it.  When your pain is too intense to bear, your heart runs to Akhilandeshvari, crying: “Nothing makes sense! Nothing seems real! Everything is entirely worthless.”

And you know how, once you’ve given it up to faith, pieces start to fall into place miraculously and effortlessly?  And how things work out even better than you had imagined?

THAT is the supreme power of surrender.

Like cracking an atom: immense energies are released from a breaking structure.This is the gift of destruction. If we are wise, we can see the potential being unlieashed, and harness it to serve a vision of a better future.  She shows us the power and opportunity of being broken into pieces by heartache, disaster, great fortune, and other life changes and traumas. She takes this to the furthest extreme, purposefully keeping Herself broken wide open, allowing Herself to flow with every current, creating and fragmenting and recreating Herself endlessly.”

 

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I don’t even remember what search led me to this goddess, but it must have been something about being broken.  I’m not broken in any way that can be fixed by any power on this earth, and that’s how I know I need to surrender it to God.  Which is going to be really hard, because I haven’t done that in a very long time and never for something so uncontrollable.

 

My heart still cries the same way every day, and I can’t always stuff it down and ignore it.  “Your family doesn’t accept you, your mother doesn’t love you the same way anymore, you aren’t part of them anymore, there’s nothing you can do, you are alone.”  Every time I make some progress, every time things are going better and I think I’m proving to them that I can be a good person and still be in love with a woman, something happens and I am crushed.

 

Like I see the news about the Chick-fil-a debacle, and I see a picture of my uncle and his young daughter eating there.  I see a boy scout troop has banned another lesbian mother from taking part, or I see my mother’s organization on Jezebel for being exclusionary to non-Christians or gays.  Any one of these things deals such a blow to my heart that I don’t think I can get back up again.  I just cry and cry and wonder why it is that who I love matters more than anything else.  What about the 10 Commandments?  What about my using my God given talents to help others as a career?  What about my return to God?  What about all the divorces and abortions and hate in peoples’ hearts?  Why does the few verses about homosexuality mean more than all the rest?  Why does the part about women speaking in church or other cultural things no longer apply, but the gay issue is still something they need to defend with all of their might?

 

What if that energy was used in a positive way instead of a negative way?  What if instead of spending so much time hating something that they perceive as a sin, they concentrated on being as loving and as shining an example of Christ’s forgiveness and love that hard hearts had no choice but to turn to God?  Can you imagine if we just called a truce, and we agreed to disagree – some people interpret the Bible this way and some don’t, but we all agree to stop talking about it and work together towards a common positive goal?  There would be nothing the body of Christ couldn’t do!

 

I’ve talked to friends and loved ones before about how much I hurt, how much I miss my family and how alone I feel, but it seems so futile.  There’s nothing that anyone can do, so I feel like I’m speaking and the words are just evaporating into the air.  This topic breaks me.  I can’t function, I can’t be who I was.  I can’t rely on my support systems from the past, because they aren’t there or they don’t understand.  The feeling of being a prodigal daughter who returns and is shut out… it isn’t something I can bear.

 

So I read about goddess Never-Not-Broken, and how she embraces the tearing down.  Not only that, but she embraces STAYING torn down.  So often our society wants to fix things as fast as possible.  Get over it, move on, dwelling on it never helps anyone…. but what about tearing our hair and gnashing our teeth and wearing sackcloth?  What about spending the time we need to in our heartache so that we can fully experience the emotions in a meaningful way before the healing begins?  If I didn’t let myself be broken, I wouldn’t have time to ask God for help.

 

Only God can help me accept that my family works against who I am and who I love.  Only God can change my heart, or theirs, or both.  Only God can heal this world so that love is love, and all humans created in His image can be accepted for who they are and where in the journey to Him they are. I honestly believe that there’s nothing else I can do but to lay broken on a pile on the floor and stay there for a while, before looking up to Him when I’m ready.

 

 

Dear God: I am broken, broken, broken, filled with the jagged edges of grief and hopelessness. I feel everything I knew being stripped away to nothing and I feel my sense of self is unsustainable along with everything else. You who know what is to break and break and break again, God of all facetted and shattered shards of the self, reach out your arms to me and allow me to fall completely to pieces. Let me throw everything up in the air to break apart at my feet, so that eventually we can pick up the pieces together and rebuild my life as it should be. Let me have the faith I need to get through this time of breaking and rebuilding.